How Could I Live

How could I live without You
How would I survive
Without Your love
Without Your touch
You're the one that heals me
That cleanses my heart
And sets me free

Now I come right before You
With my hands lifted up
And my heart humbly bowed
At Your work on the Cross
As You hung there and died
You were paying the price
For my life, for my life....

For Your love is higher than the heavens
Deeper than the sea
And all I want is You in my life
No one else can satisfy my soul
Can make me feel this way
Only You Lord, only You.

His final prayer was about you...

by Max Lucado

As Jesus stepped into the garden, you were in His prayers. As Jesus looked into heaven, you were in His vision. As Jesus dreamed of the day when we will be where He is, He saw you there.

His final prayer was about you. His final pain was for you. His final passion was you.

He steps into the garden, and invites Peter, James, and John to come. He tells them His soul is “overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” and begins to pray.

Never has He felt so alone. What must be done, only He can do. An angel can’t do it. No angel has the power to break open hell’s gates. A man can’t do it. No man has the purity to destroy sin’s claim. No force on earth can face the force of evil and win—except God.

“The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak,” Jesus confesses.

His humanity begged to be delivered from what His divinity could see. Jesus, the carpenter, implores. Jesus, the man, peers into the dark pit and begs, “Can’t there be another way?”

Did He know the answer before He asked the question? Did His human heart hope His Heavenly Father had found another way? We don’t know. But we do know He asked to get out. We do know He begged for an exit. We do know there was a time when if He could have, He would have turned His back on the whole mess and gone away.

But He couldn’t.

He couldn’t because He saw you. Right there in the middle of a world which isn’t fair. He saw you cast into a river of life you didn’t request. He saw you betrayed by those you love. He saw you with a body which gets sick and a heart which grows weak.

He saw you in your own garden of gnarled trees and sleeping friends. He saw you staring into the pit of your own failures and the mouth of your own grave.

He saw you in your Garden of Gethsemane—and He didn’t want you to be alone.

He wanted you to know that He has been there, too. He knows what it’s like to be plotted against. He knows what it’s like to be confused. He knows what it’s like to be torn between two desires. He knows what it’s like to smell the stench of Satan. And, perhaps most of all, He knows what it’s like to beg God to change his mind and to hear God say so gently, but firmly, “No.”

For that is what God says to Jesus. And Jesus accepts the answer. At some moment during that midnight hour, an angel of mercy comes over the weary body of the man in the garden. As He stands, the anguish is gone from His eyes. His fist will clench no more. His heart will fight no more.

The battle is won. You may have thought it was won on Golgotha. It wasn’t. You may have thought the sign of victory is the empty tomb. It isn’t. The final battle was won in Gethsemane. And the sign of conquest is Jesus at peace in the olive trees.

For it was in the garden that He made His decision. He would rather go to hell for you than go to heaven without you.

Warms the Heart....aww

Funny how things come around. For the past few Sundays, I have been attending the Chinese service at my church. Rationale? Simple. I serve in the Kids Ministry teaching Sunday school to a group of 9-year-olds for the English service. When it ends, it's time for the Chinese service. Although I belong to the Youth Network, somehow I figured I am not into the teenybopper phase, hopping around like a Energiser bunny. Totally find it hard to relate to that. So rather than not attending service altogether, I figured Chinese service is a good one.

And people who know me will know I have a major problem with Chinese. The stuff just flies past me. But surprisingly, I was quite ministered to during the service, especially the worship. Guess when it comes to His Word, languages are not a handicap.

Anyway, this past Sunday, I was waiting with my group of kids for their parents to pick them up. A boy's mom came up to me, and told me that her son really likes me, and looks forward to and enjoys coming to Sunday school. I was like, 'oh, thank you.' And smiled at her. But really, it's moments like this that I know my 'sacrifice' is worth it. Really warms the heart.....to hear such an affirming statement from one of the kids' parents. Guess one of my key language of love is words of affirmation.

Many a time, I would be berating myself for being so foolhardy, to volunteer for Sunday school at the English service means I have to drag myself out of bed at 6.45 am every single Sunday. Believe you me, I had a major problem adjusting. Add to the fact that my church is located at the other end of the island, it would be sheer madness. But I am glad I hung in there, and gradually adjusted to it (with no small amount of help from a can of Coke to kickstart my engine).

Hmm, maybe I am really starting to get attached to the group of kids. I mean, I see various aspects of myself when I was their age in each of the boys, which makes it real easy to relate to them. They can be a handful at times, but really underneath that, they do say the most riotous things. And of course, it helps too that I really like them.

An Earnest Prayer

Just 2 days ago, I came across an e-mail that was a re-take of my all-time fave poem / prayer "Footprints in the Sand". Somehow or other, this poem speaks to me big-time all the time. The new version had a more 'celebratory' tone to it (I shall not deign to re-produce it here, too lengthy).

Anyway, I was ruminating on it. Figured a good prayer for me will go along such lines:

Dear Lord,

Thank you for all the love and blessings you showered upon me. You were never far away from me at all, and even in my times of wilful rebellion, You were always there, patiently waiting for me to turn around and run back to You. Lord, I cannot thank You enough for the love you demonstrated when You chose to hang on the cross at Calvary and in one fell swoop, cleansed away my sins with Your blood.

As wilful and disobedient I have been, You continued to love me and bless me. Lord, you know my heart's desires, all of them. I commit them to You and I know You will take care of them. In times even when my mustard seed faith wavers, I know You'll be there for me, every single step of the way.

Lord, I pray for an earnestness to tune into Your frequency more. I know all things will come to pass, in Your time and not mine. Give me the strength and fortitude to wait on You, and not be impulsive in all things, as I am wont to do. I believe You have a perfect plan for me, and one that will truly be a blessing. Everything's in Your control. Amen.

Now why did I word that prayer? Those of you whom I have talked to will know there are some stuff (yes, more than one item) I am experiencing that I seriously hope will come to pass. At the same time, I must manage my expectations and hopes. So yeah, it's all over to Him now.

=)

Ivin's @ Binjai

I was tossing and turning in bed, and felt a nagging sense of unease (for want of a better word) until I blogged this....so here goes.

If I didn't remember wrongly, I think a few years back, Ivin's had an outlet at Robinson Road. Ok now, Ivin's is a restaurant that serves super yummy Peranakan food that is simply divine. Anyway, I went with a friend and, to say the food was good is really not exactly doing it justice. Well, it has to be.....or why else would I remember it so many years down and try to find it again?

Recently, one of my university friends remarked there is this super nice Peranakan restaurant at Binjai Park, right smack in the middle of an estate in Bukit Timah. So I 'gallivanted' there, and lo and behold, it was Ivin's.

The food is still lip-smackingly good....boy, did I enjoy myself 'pigging out' there. I mean, for an establishment to be located in that area, the prices are rather decent. So anyway, brought 2 other friends there, on separate occasions, and they were suitably impressed with the quality of the cooking and the decent prices as well. In a way, I have managed to redeem myself, as quite a few of my friends seemed to have it in their heads that I am always eating at expensive places. As if! The kind of remuneration package that I get as a Compliance analyst does not really afford me with the luxury of eating at high-end places all the time.

Oh, and I wonder why is it that all the places with nice food are somewhat located smack in the midst of Bukit Timah neighbourhood enclaves? Like there's Ivin's, and there's also Lana Cakes. Lana Cakes is an establishment that seemed to be THE place to get your birthday cake from back in my JC days. And it's chocolate fudge cake....heavenly.

Blurred out

For a few days now, I've had a 'relapse' of the flu (running nose, then blocked nose, sore throat etc) which I was suffering from a few weeks before, but never really recovered. Come to think about it, I am not surprised that I got hit again. So was groggy and all. Nonetheless, I went to meet a good friend from church, J, after work, to catch up. (By the way, this was J's suggestion that I should blog this for posterity....ha ha)

So there we were, having dinner and chatting, or what I could pass as chatting, since I guessed I must have been dreary company being slightly addled by the flu. J had earlier proclaimed she absolutely needed to have her chocolate fix, so after dinner, we adjourned to Coffee Club. Yadda yadda and time flew by. Before we know it, it was time to settle the dessert bill. Just as the waiter (and I emphasise on the masculine form of the word - as per J's 'instructions') handed me the bill to sign, he commented that the cologne / perfume I was wearing smelt nice.

Thinking that my nose problem had also caused my hearing to be 'congested', I merely asked, "Excuse me?". Thereupon the waiter repeated his comment about the perfume being nice-smelling. J and I flashed a quick look at each other, and I proceeded to settle the bill as nonchalantly as I could of course, and thanked the waiter for his 'compliments' and for the bill. The moment he left, both J and I goggled at each other and our jaws dropped. Totally floored by it. For the life of me, I could not figure out where on earth that came from. For the record, I was wearing Acqua di Gio (Homme) by Giorgio Armani (and I really like the scent too).

Just at this moment, I received an SMS from a friend who had 'out-ted' himself to me a while back and whom I have not met for a long time cos our schedules didn't allow for it. Some of the remarks made by J and I are really not meant to be put in print. Suffice to say, I was flammoxed for a while.

Is it really ok to compliment a male customer for his cologne / perfume? I think I need a double dose of healing and deliverance pronto this Sunday during service. *Sigh*

CI Boyz

One of my colleagues told me about this toy shop just below my office area, so I ventured into it today after lunch. Saw this series of C.I. Boyz that I liked, and was contemplating between getting a few of them or the entire set. In the end, as much as I tried to rationalise, I ended up buying the whole set of 10 figurines, and spent a certain amount on them. Certainly feel the pain of flushing down $$$ like that...

Oh well, must try to avoid that shop.

Friends' blessings

This past weekend, I was superbly blessed by quite a few friends. How so? On Friday, I met a good friend from church and we had a good time catching up and chatting. Then on Saturday, I was invited to dinner by a married couple, both of whom are my good friends. Went to their tastefully furnished abode and was treated to a nice sit-down home-cooked meal. I was really touched by the efforts they had made, and the food was really scrumptious. What can I say? Good food, good company.....sheer bliss. Had a great time catching up with W and C, and really thank God for them. They have been blessings to me in so many ways, and I am truly thankful for them. Chatted with them till quite late, and it was a tad lamentable how time flies when you are enjoying yourself. =)

Come Sunday, apart from the mad rush to church at Expo simply because I overslept, I was actually ministered to during Chinese service. If you know by now, my command of Chinese is purely touch-and-go. I find it weird that as much as I can read the words of the worship songs, the moment the pastors preach in Mandarin, quite a bit of it went over me. But nonetheless, I was really touched by His presence, so I am really thankful. Thereafter, went to meet a long-time buddy from days of yore (in JC) for a movie, and whilst wondering around thereafter, chanced on a travel exhibition. We decided to go in there just to browse around at the travel packages, and ended up plonking down some $$$ for a vacation. If you ask me, I'm way overdue for a long vacation beyond 5-hour flight radius from Singapore. So yup, booked ourselves a trip....totally looking forward to it.

Today, was blessed in another way, well sort of. My buddy called me up and asked me to go for a dinner with him, purely because it's his birthday today. As tired as I was, I went along. And I am glad I did. Caught up quite a bit on each other's lives and all. Truly, this has indeed been a rather fulfilling weekend.

Loftily away

Was ruminating over a few things....and came to one conclusion - Manage Expectations. Take the issue of church, for instance. I had a good chat with my pastor, and was telling him why I really thought it was time to go to another church and all, and he calmly told me no church is perfect, or for that matter, pastor either. But the best bit was, I was totally floored by his shepherd's heart and genuine care and concern for me. He told me he'd like it very much if I go look for him whenever I need to have a heart-to-heart chat. As for spiritual mentoring, he said I could turn to him or my Ah Kong, so there....where can I find people like them? So I gave him my word that I'd stick around a bit more, and give myself and the church another chance...

Work-wise, I finally submitted a report to my boss for her perusal. Basically I had poured out blood working on it, and was quite satisfied with it. My boss read it, and told me it was a good report. Then came the disclaimer.....that this report will get a few people into trouble. I was not naive and told her I expected as much. Then she tried to prep me and told me I might have to 'amend' it a little. I was like, huh? My lofty idealism kicked in. I told her, as one of the key pillars of corporate governance in the bank, why should we pander to the business units? If they are lacking in such areas, then we should report as such. I even told her, by pandering to the business units, we are no better than 'prostitutes'. (YESH...that was the exact word I used. I had to go shoot my mouth off)

But thank God I have a rather understanding and riotous boss...she laughed when I said that. She could see where I was coming from, so she was like, "Ha...I think we are more like 'maids' than that. At least we still have our dignity". In the end, she decided there's no need to change the report completely, since we have also done a remediation programme for the said business unit. And speaking of the business unit, I have never met such incompetent morons who are relatively senior and make empty promises and expect others to patch up their turf for them. Pathetic.

In retrospect, I am really thankful I have such a patient and understanding boss. She makes it so much easier to work at my current place. Coming from a foreign bank, the culture here still takes some getting used to, and I find that a lot of things are relational, rather than task. I usually prefer a good mix of both, but somehow, everything gears more towards relational.

With my perfectionist streak and lofty ideals, I am really setting myself up for a good jolt every now and then. Perhaps I really need to learn to manage my expectations....of the circumstances, people around me etc., so that when they fall short, I won't feel so "AARRGH"! After all, God is always in control....