Arrgh!!

Tis been a good 2 weeks plus since I last rambled....so decided to spend some time to do so today. For the first time in my life, tried making coffee today (yeah I know, at the ripe old age of 25 to venture into the unknown) and topped it off with loads of chocolate powder. Being the non-coffee drinker that I am, I am not certain if that's a mocha or something else totally. Tried it without any sugar or milk, and I daresay I can live with it, though I hasten to add, my all-time favourite 'caffeine-laced' drink is still chamomile tea. Hmmm, chamomile tea is supposed to be relaxing, so that may not have caffeine in it at all.

Anyway, I digressed. Seemingly right I titled the blog entry 'arrgh'....it's a silent cry of frustration, irritation and angst over many aspects of my life. Professionally, I am undergoing training to ease into my new function, and as much as I want to take a breather and get out of the country for a while, I cannot. I was so tempted to just book any air ticket online for the next flight out to Australia this weekend, but realise I don't have a valid tourist visa to Australia. Bummer......and it takes some time to get the application approved, so by then I would have moved into my new job role, and there goes any hopes of a vacation that I badly need. Too wound up and tensed with the workload, I guess.

As for emotionally, well, I am running the gamut of emotions pertaining to some issues I am facing. I had been rationalising them so well, that somehow the rationalisation has failed me spectacularly this time round, and it is surfacing in all manners. Sheesh, as much as I pray for the 'feelings' to go away, this is one prayer I realise is seemingly futile. Not certain if I am setting myself up for a trip to tumble, but no matter how I guard myself, it seems to come to nought. Some of my friends even told me it is exciting....oh well, perhaps I am not conditioned for that kind of undue excitement. As important as I know it is to guard myself, I am flailing (and failing) spectacularly....somewhat akin to a dolphin that has its sonar system messed up and ended up beaching itself.

Apart from which, I am trying my darnest to cope and I am doing so-so. Thank God I have a circle of friends to rein me in, but sometimes there are only so many things they can do. Come to think about it, an air ticket to Frankfurt will do fine too. Can go Europe backpacking to get a grip on myself. But oh well, just a dream and enough musings. Have to come crashing back to the harsh realities of the world and my bum is not cushioned for it. Yeah, I know. Pardon my wry and pathetic attempt to joke.... =(

Mmmbopp

Hmmm, seems like I have a penchant for short headings in each blog entry. How did my week go? Basically I went through the week like a zombie. Work is an incessant end of fire-fighting - not only do I have to manage the increase in volume at my end, but I have to help another team fight their fires as well. The absolute worst bit was when my manager dropped a 'bombshell' on me during a team meeting on Thursday.....my transfer to the new division I was so looking forward to had to be delayed by a week. I would have been fine with it had the reason been I need to help out my team tide over the volume, but the reason was because there's a new colleague whose employment pass had yet to be cleared, and he's to go to the other team we're helping. Totally different function and all.

Boy, did I ever see red. It was a tough act trying to keep my face neutral, while I was fuming away inside. I tend to be one who wears his emotions on his sleeves sometimes, but one thing I can never seem to hide is when I am pissed off and furious about something. It hovers around like a black 'cumulo-nimbus' thundercloud, ready to unleash its force onto the world.

I came out of the meeting, furious and simply pissed off. I could not even trust myself to speak, lest I blurt out something I should not even say. So there I was, black-faced on a Thursday, and dejected. Team morale had been somewhat low already, and I am starting to work the kind of crazy hours again, and now this. To compound things further, I cannot clear the leave I brought forward from last year because manpower a tad's tight.

The only light I see in the horizon was that I got my official transfer document signed, and the date's 11 Apr. When I finally had it, I was jumping up and down in joy on Friday. A colleague from the other team asked why was mine pushed to 11 Apr, instead of 1 Apr as initially thought. My retort was that I am not allowed to transfer cos the new guy in her team is not here, and as much as I kept it neutral and said it in a nonchalant and nondescript manner, the subtlety of my delivery was understated. The underlying message was loud and clear, and I believe my colleague got my meaning. But since I did not direct it at anybody in particular, it's ok.

Just up till a while ago, I was approaching the transfer with mixed feelings, but now I daresay I am totally looking forward to it. In fact, I cannot wait to transfer. It's an exciting event to look forward to......

Tripping and tumbling

Well, first off, I was on-leave from Wednesday till Friday, so the past work week had been a super short one...yippee!!! The first 2 days of my leave were basically spent running around Singapore (sort of) like a mad hatter, in a bid to update my personal documents with my baptism name. So was up to my neck in these errands, and spent the better part of Friday speeding through the DVD series from HBO, Band of Brothers (which B had so kindly lent to me since last Christmas). Yesh, I am ashamed to admit that it took me this long to finish watching the entire series.

Also went for my church's Sanctification Week, and there was the Tabernacle as well. The Sanctification Week was so-so. As for the Tabernacle, I dragged my sleepy self out of bed at 6.15 am on Saturday morning to traipse down to my church for it. Apart from some initial glitches, as in yours truly almost dozed off at one of the 'stations' and was interrupted in the midst of the final lap by a stomachache, the entire thing went off ok. Yeah, I know it sounds crappy, but I also cannot quite understand how on earth my stomach could have acted up at the very last lap. Hmmm, should have had the foresight like B to do whatever I had to ensure the entire experience was uninterrupted.

But hey, for all that there is, I was given 2 verses during the Tabernacle, which was affirmed by the pastor during service later, so it ain't all that bad after all.

Today went into Johor Bahru with three other brothers, and was good fun hanging out with them. Watched Million $ Baby there, and it sure was heavy stuff. Came home and decided to flip through some professional course information I had retrieved.

Tomorrow's the start of another crazy work month (not 'allowed' to clear any more leave as I'll be transferring to the new division soon). Hopefully, I will have my new appointment letter ready to be signed and collected, and I also need to check with the HR on some other issues. Let's see what else I can blog on next...

Identity Crisis

Tis been a while since I last blogged, and in all honesty, didn't think there was anything that interesting to update about my life anyway.

On Sunday, visited A's church. Twas a refreshing change from the usual 'energetic' service I am used to at my church. Hers actually had a programme order, and I understand this is the norm for most 'old school' churches. The worship experience also consisted of hymns, vis-a-vis the contemporary gospel songs we sing at mine. It was a small and homely church, where everybody kind of knows everyone else, or at least recognise each other. So you can guess that, in my first trip to 'look-see', there were many people who actually noticed this 'newcomer'. When the preacher called for 'newcomers' to stand up so the entire congregation can welcome them, I sat rooted in the pew, and told A I was not going to stand up, though there were quite a few pairs of eyes on me. I have never been comfortable being the centre of attention in a church, as loud and boisterous as I may be at times. Thereafter, there was supposed to be a Bible study session, but I went off first. It's been a long time since I woke up so early on a Sunday morning to go to church. Thus far, I have always attended the Saturday services at my church, primarily because I doubt I can drag myself out of bed in time to go for Sunday morning service.

A did remark to me that she had hoped I would stand up, so as to encourage her church friends to bring their friends to church as well. Hmmm....

On another note, work wise, I realise it seemed a futile attempt on my end to try to 'quash' the news from travelling around that I am transferring to another division within the investment bank I am in. Seems like all the managers know about it, and I've only told 3 other colleagues, two of whom are in the new division I am in, and one had already left the bank. Apparently, the managers will all be updated during their weekly meetings about any manpower movements, so they will know. Slipped my mind, duh!!! I had actually fretted over the magnitude of the spread of the news, as I was trying to control something essentially beyond my control circle.

Went to update my identity card and passport today with my baptism name. The amount of bureaucratic red tape I had to wade through really put me off, and made me realise how right one of my church pastors was, when I had consulted him about the 2 job offers I had concurrently one year ago, one being from my current organisation and another from a government agency. He implied that I am the kind who will be stifled by red tape, and will get highly agitated and put off. On hindsight, I realise the wisdom of his observations of me and his advice.

Why did I name this entry 'identity crisis'? Well, firstly there is the whole church issue in relating to the church vision and all, and secondly there is the name change. I am really thankful and appreciative of the fact that I have built up and established my base in my church, and I think I really need to go seek Him in relating myself to the vision laid down by the church leaders. Till the next time......