Great Expectations
For most people, as the year draws to a close, it is usually a whirl of revelry and celebration to herald in a new year of new tidings etc. It used to be this way for me too, when I was still fresh out of junior college. All those Christmas and year-end parties at friends' places, and turning up in a big bunch at countdown parties.....it sure was a riot.
However, as the years go by, somehow I tend to be rather detached about it all. Initially, I thought it was the usual jadedness - the 'been-there-done-that' syndrome. However, in the past 2 years, it has started to border on melancholy and depression. Lest I start to sound like a manic depressive, I hasten to add that I am not. My church friends (those who know me well, you know who you are....B, K, P, L, J etc) can attest to the fact that I am rather extroverted. There are times when I need to be alone to recharge and all, but by and large, I am generally rather outgoing and extroverted. As December approaches and spills over to January, I become a totally different person altogether. I start to become more withdrawn, and 'isolate' myself more and more. Sometimes, by being introspective, it is a good thing. This, however, is a different cup of tea altogether.
In recent years, around this period, I have the strongest urge to buy an air ticket, pack my bags and high-tail out of here....back to Melbourne. And it has begun to dawn on me why I am feeling so 'anti-social'. Around this period is also when my extended family starts to have gatherings - Christmas parties, Lunar New Year celebrations etc. Although this has been the tradition as far as I can recall in all my 20++ years, I have this urge to want to 'fly the coop', so as to speak. As callous and ungrateful as it sounds, I find myself being stifled and suffocated by my 'loving' extended family. Although they never verbalise it, but there is always this load of 'expectations' hanging unsaid in the air. Just simply because yours truly have the luck to be the eldest son and grandson and be super doted and favoured (fawned if you so choose) upon by doting grandparents and aunts and uncles, somehow this 'childhood favouritism' is spilling over into adulthood. There are unsaid stuff that somehow, one way or another, is expected from me. And I find that as my grandparents age, they seem to 'crave' attention even more from their grandkids.....so this has come full circle.
I get frustrated at having to pander to such things, and have pointed this out once too often to my parents. But they, seemingly of a different mindset and obviously a different generation, cannot do much also. And therein lies the issue in why I find a need for a 'time-out' and just wanting to go 'splat'. That's also why I like Melbourne so much - it is the place that truly afforded me with the independence and liberty I desire, away from the shackles of this 'extended love'. As neurotic and selfish as it sounds, I know I had a great childhood cos I am rather close to my cousins (helped in no small part by the fact that our parents always bring us down to our grandparents' place during the weekends) but now I want my space.....to do my own things, as and when I choose and please, without having to meet the 'obligations' and duties so 'expected'. Coupled with the fact that most of my extended family are pre-believers, this is no easy ride. More often than not, they are wont to think I have been brought 'astray' by my religious beliefs.
Does this mean I am not cut out to be a family man? A large part of me does want to do the 'routine' - find my special someone and settle down and all. Trust me, that is a huge 'to-do' item. At the same time, I do find myself wondering if my current 'I-Want-To-Break-Free' mindset might be a major deterrent.
But hey, at least I have now identified the reason why I have been going around like a bear with a sore head lately. So now, it's high time to ask for a change in my contrite heart......to seek Him more, and hear and discern what He wants me to learn from this......
However, as the years go by, somehow I tend to be rather detached about it all. Initially, I thought it was the usual jadedness - the 'been-there-done-that' syndrome. However, in the past 2 years, it has started to border on melancholy and depression. Lest I start to sound like a manic depressive, I hasten to add that I am not. My church friends (those who know me well, you know who you are....B, K, P, L, J etc) can attest to the fact that I am rather extroverted. There are times when I need to be alone to recharge and all, but by and large, I am generally rather outgoing and extroverted. As December approaches and spills over to January, I become a totally different person altogether. I start to become more withdrawn, and 'isolate' myself more and more. Sometimes, by being introspective, it is a good thing. This, however, is a different cup of tea altogether.
In recent years, around this period, I have the strongest urge to buy an air ticket, pack my bags and high-tail out of here....back to Melbourne. And it has begun to dawn on me why I am feeling so 'anti-social'. Around this period is also when my extended family starts to have gatherings - Christmas parties, Lunar New Year celebrations etc. Although this has been the tradition as far as I can recall in all my 20++ years, I have this urge to want to 'fly the coop', so as to speak. As callous and ungrateful as it sounds, I find myself being stifled and suffocated by my 'loving' extended family. Although they never verbalise it, but there is always this load of 'expectations' hanging unsaid in the air. Just simply because yours truly have the luck to be the eldest son and grandson and be super doted and favoured (fawned if you so choose) upon by doting grandparents and aunts and uncles, somehow this 'childhood favouritism' is spilling over into adulthood. There are unsaid stuff that somehow, one way or another, is expected from me. And I find that as my grandparents age, they seem to 'crave' attention even more from their grandkids.....so this has come full circle.
I get frustrated at having to pander to such things, and have pointed this out once too often to my parents. But they, seemingly of a different mindset and obviously a different generation, cannot do much also. And therein lies the issue in why I find a need for a 'time-out' and just wanting to go 'splat'. That's also why I like Melbourne so much - it is the place that truly afforded me with the independence and liberty I desire, away from the shackles of this 'extended love'. As neurotic and selfish as it sounds, I know I had a great childhood cos I am rather close to my cousins (helped in no small part by the fact that our parents always bring us down to our grandparents' place during the weekends) but now I want my space.....to do my own things, as and when I choose and please, without having to meet the 'obligations' and duties so 'expected'. Coupled with the fact that most of my extended family are pre-believers, this is no easy ride. More often than not, they are wont to think I have been brought 'astray' by my religious beliefs.
Does this mean I am not cut out to be a family man? A large part of me does want to do the 'routine' - find my special someone and settle down and all. Trust me, that is a huge 'to-do' item. At the same time, I do find myself wondering if my current 'I-Want-To-Break-Free' mindset might be a major deterrent.
But hey, at least I have now identified the reason why I have been going around like a bear with a sore head lately. So now, it's high time to ask for a change in my contrite heart......to seek Him more, and hear and discern what He wants me to learn from this......
posted by DeRi@c | 9:36 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home