Time to 're-Balance'

This week had been a 'happening' week of sorts. Had a health scare and went for a thorough cardiac check. Given the all-clear by the cardiologist, although I still get the "ant-bite" sensation around the heart area, and numbness down my arms. My pastor told me to steer clear of the muscle relaxants I've been taking. And on hindsight, the last time my hands trembled, I was also on muscle relaxants. Only difference then was that the dosage is doubled this time. So I am making an effort to steer clear of such drugs, sleeping pills included.

On another note, my cell leader lent me a book he had borrowed from his aunt. Written by another believer, it warned of the consequences of yoga poses. All along, I had been an avid attendee of the Body Balance classes at my gym simply because I was drawn to the 'New Age' mantra that it helps one to relax. Only when I read the book, did I realise the 'harm' I've been inflicting on my own spiritual walk. Body Balance is a combination of tai-chi, Pilates and yoga. And after reading that book, I am fully convinced and convicted. Need to do big-time business with Him over this....He did not die for me just for me to execute some New-Agey 'baby cobra' poses that supposedly makes me more flexible while insiduously doing serious damage to my spiritual walk.

Down-to-earth Contentment

I sat down for a good talk with my parents, and told them about my disappointments etc. I have always known that my parents had, have and will always be supportive of me. It's just that I cannot seem to bring myself to be fully open to them somehow even when I was growing up. I still remember how, at the age of 14, that my dad had told me it's his wish that I regard him more as a friend, than mere disciplinarian dad per se. That took me by surprise then, and I had given him a look of incredulity. Somehow there was this blocked mindset that my dad will always be my dad, and that it's not possible to regard him as a friend. Now on hindsight, at the ripe old age of 27 (my dad is 55), I realise I must have really hurt him when I was unable to open up to him. Hardly surprising that my younger brother and my dad are closer. When I look at how stoically he had stood by me in my moments of depression and how he believed in me enough to let me make my mistakes and yet be there for me, I can say with utter conviction that, yes, my dad loves me and it's his love for me that, time and again, has been a source of strength and support. I can be vulnerable to my Heavenly Father, and it's time I take that step towards my own dad.

Also realise that I am surrounded by guys who are very much down-to-earth and contented with their lot in life. My pastors, my closest friends and of course, my dad. When he told me how he had given up the chance to be the regional manager in an MNC because the role would require him to travel 3 weeks in a month, I wonder if I would have been able to pass up on that opportunity if it had been me. God must have surrounded me with so many guys to show me I don't have to be so hung up about achievements and ensuring I finish at the top of the heap in the corporate rat race. My dad told me I should not focus on the material aspects of success, as that can be my downfall. So did my pastors. Even my best friend remarked a while ago that I sometimes have no compassion. So it's time to change all these. I recognise it is perfectly all right to be down-to-earth and contented, rather than being cosmopolitan and materialistic.

I also want to be make my parents proud of me, and in the event that I do get married one day, I will make certain I thank my dad in front of everybody that without him, I would not be who and what I am, and that he is a fantastic role model of a man who knows what is truly important (family and contentment) and is not afraid to take a firm stand in that. That is the one thing I want to grow in, and that I believe is the reason why I am surrounded by so many guys (pastors and close friends) who are down-to-earth and contented.

From the Inside Out - Hillsongs

A thousand times I've failed, still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again, still I am caught in Your Grace.
Everlasting, Your Light will shine when all else fades.
Never ending, Your Glory goes beyond all fame.

In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give You control,
Consume me from the inside out, Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Your Will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing You praise
Everlasting, Your Light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your Glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out

Weary and Bummed Out

Recent spate of events gave me some cause to re-think some stuff. I've had quite a few panic attacks, wherein I felt I was suffocating, and when I Googled 'panic attacks', turns out depression was one of the symptoms. I've never been the most positive and optimistic of people, and somehow I always tend to think of the worst outcome, and anything that turns out better than that would be construed as a blessing. Warped huh?

I talked to my Ah Kong, and realised that the cause of my depression was simply because I base my self-worth and value on my career and achievements. In my current place, my boss and team-mates are fantastic but the organisation is a different cup of tea. What a vast difference a year makes. 1 year back, I was this eager beaver, but now I have become more sceptical. Perhaps my outspoken attitude does not sit down with quite a few senior people in my organisation, as they prefer the subservient kind. So anyway, felt a tad short-changed when my entire team was overlooked for the mid-year appraisal. There was a colleague who got promoted, as I felt I deserve it. So this is where the mindset change has to come in. I should not view my career as a means to an end, and the be all and end all of everything.

I know all these and more, but somehow my mind cannot quite reconcile them together. Talked to a friend and was advised to share with my parents about my issues, so I did tell my mom (dad was asleep already). Amazingly, I felt relieved. I've never been one to openly share my struggles with my parents, and I usually only turn to them out of sheer desperation because I have never wanted to disappoint or fail them. But they have always been understanding. My mom told me to share with my dad, and she was concerned. I also told her that if I cannot 'tahan' it any longer, I might just serve my notice.

Even my boss knows I am unhappy. She did ask if I was ok when I asked to take leave yesterday, and called me today at work (she's on leave today) to ask after me, and told me we will have a chat soon. She did mention I will get my dues and what I deserve, and she has spoken to my big boss...but sceptical me somehow cannot see that unless it's in black and white.

So now I have to work on rewiring my thought process, and not take it so personally. It's a job that He has given me, so I will just do what I can, and not focus on the material aspects of it. This is hard to change, but I have to, for my own good and sanity. So 4 words.....Thinking, Testing, Transforming and Testimony.....will bear that in mind and make tomorrow a brand new chapter at work.