Weary and Bummed Out

Recent spate of events gave me some cause to re-think some stuff. I've had quite a few panic attacks, wherein I felt I was suffocating, and when I Googled 'panic attacks', turns out depression was one of the symptoms. I've never been the most positive and optimistic of people, and somehow I always tend to think of the worst outcome, and anything that turns out better than that would be construed as a blessing. Warped huh?

I talked to my Ah Kong, and realised that the cause of my depression was simply because I base my self-worth and value on my career and achievements. In my current place, my boss and team-mates are fantastic but the organisation is a different cup of tea. What a vast difference a year makes. 1 year back, I was this eager beaver, but now I have become more sceptical. Perhaps my outspoken attitude does not sit down with quite a few senior people in my organisation, as they prefer the subservient kind. So anyway, felt a tad short-changed when my entire team was overlooked for the mid-year appraisal. There was a colleague who got promoted, as I felt I deserve it. So this is where the mindset change has to come in. I should not view my career as a means to an end, and the be all and end all of everything.

I know all these and more, but somehow my mind cannot quite reconcile them together. Talked to a friend and was advised to share with my parents about my issues, so I did tell my mom (dad was asleep already). Amazingly, I felt relieved. I've never been one to openly share my struggles with my parents, and I usually only turn to them out of sheer desperation because I have never wanted to disappoint or fail them. But they have always been understanding. My mom told me to share with my dad, and she was concerned. I also told her that if I cannot 'tahan' it any longer, I might just serve my notice.

Even my boss knows I am unhappy. She did ask if I was ok when I asked to take leave yesterday, and called me today at work (she's on leave today) to ask after me, and told me we will have a chat soon. She did mention I will get my dues and what I deserve, and she has spoken to my big boss...but sceptical me somehow cannot see that unless it's in black and white.

So now I have to work on rewiring my thought process, and not take it so personally. It's a job that He has given me, so I will just do what I can, and not focus on the material aspects of it. This is hard to change, but I have to, for my own good and sanity. So 4 words.....Thinking, Testing, Transforming and Testimony.....will bear that in mind and make tomorrow a brand new chapter at work.